“The moment that I decided to be the author of my story rather than a character in it is the moment that my pain began to evolve into my power. To do this, I had to love myself enough to walk away from anything and everything that required me to be and play small.” ~Germaine Gaspard
We all have our own story and unique journey. Our stories are dynamic; new chapters are written as we acquire new knowledge and new experiences. I have said this thousands of times in the past, and I’m sure I’ll say it thousands more in the future: “You can not judge until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes.” Our experiences mold and shape us into who we are and who we become. I have kept my story a secret from EVERYONE for 35+ years, which has been SO exhausting. Recently I started sharing my story with family and friends. This has created so much freedom + space in my life. Through this process, I have learned that I have been surviving life instead of living it. It is time to change this and start living my truth!
I am worth so much more than I have been giving myself. I have been going through the motions, feeling what I thought I SHOULD feel, doing what I thought I SHOULD do, being who I thought I SHOULD be, dreaming what I thought I SHOULD dream. I have numbed myself to knowing what I truly am feeling, what I truly do want, who I truly am, and what I truly dream for myself. With this newfound freedom + space, I have decided to choose me and be true to me.
I have stepped back to take some time to accept and embrace the opportunity to get closer to what I TRULY feel, what I really WANT to do, who I REALLY am, and what I DEFINITELY dream for myself. This process is uncomfortable. This process is hard. This process promotes fear. I find myself wanting to go back into my comfort zone, do what I’ve always done + numb all of the bad feelings (which are becoming fewer and fewer with time). I know I am not where I want to be in the future, so I will continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and strive to do + be true to myself. This process forces me to acknowledge my past, face my fears, and own my shit. While I can’t control the shit that has happened to me, I can control my attitude + my response to it + how I move forward in the future. It is time to pay attention to what really brings me joy and live my truth!
I am fearful about the future. I am afraid I won’t find pure joy in swim/bike/run (although I am getting closer to experiencing pure joy in swim/bike/run). I am afraid I will disappoint people who support and encourage me. I am afraid I will not get to do another Ironman focused around joy + fun. I am afraid I will fall back into my old habits because they are within my comfort zone. I am afraid that the next chapter in my story will be more of the same.
I know being fearful is a good thing. “Fear means I am doing something brave with my life and is an indicator that I am getting closer to my truth. It is time for me to lean into my courage instead of listening to my fear.” ~Mel Charbonneau
I am grateful to have amazing people surrounding me + inspiring me + helping me + supporting me + encouraging me in this very difficult process. The hardest step was the first one. With every subsequent step, it gets easier and easier. I may not be where I want to be, but I am getting closer with every forward step! I will continue to choose me and live my truth!
Are you living your truth?! Are you being true to what YOU TRULY feel, what YOU really WANT to do, who YOU REALLY are, and what YOU DEFINITELY dream for yourself?! Are you choosing YOU?!