I’ve been quiet here for far too long. I love to write and express myself, but this year has been SO challenging. I felt like I started 2020 in a good place mentally as I was making huge progress in processing and moving forward with my childhood trauma (and I still am…yay for positive light). I had plans in place for 2020 to be an epic year. Then came COVID-19 and 2020 came to a screeching halt.
When the pandemic started, we had vacations lined up, I had races on my calendar that REALLY excited me, I was motivated, and I had hope that it would be short lived so we could return to “normal” relatively quickly. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, the races began to cancel, my motivation began to decrease, and my hope began to waiver. Hugs were banned. Visiting family and friends was not recommended. Social media took a nose dive as people judged and shamed others for not doing what they felt was best (having never walked one second in their shoes). Rioting turned the Nation on its head. Wildfires, hurricanes, and Derecho are just a few curve balls Mother Nature has thrown at us. So much chaos and uncertainty. The uncomfortable only got even more uncomfortable. 2020 began to feel like a dumpster fire that is going to burn on forever.
In the middle of June, I COMPLETELY fell apart. I sank the lowest I’ve ever been and my mental health was at an all time low. It took everything I had (and loads of help from my husband and mother) to keep moving forward and not stay stuck in the quick sand pulling me under. I had lost sight of who I am. I lost sight of my North Star and veered WAY too far off course. I let fear of what others think dictate my decisions, actions, and focus. I allowed them to chew me up, swallow me down, and shit me out a different, broken, and damaged version of myself.
As the dumpster fire of 2020 continues to burn bright with the addition of more and more fuel, I am choosing to reconnect and realign with my North Star. It is time to stop being guided WAY off course by fear and superficial bullshit. No more chasing some meaningless, random number of bike miles. No more feeling pressured, shamed, or judged to do and be someone I’m not. No more feeling small. No more feeling broken. It is time to let my North Star guide me. I need and want to live my truth! More joy! More freedom! More balance! More integrity! More truth! More ME!
If you’ve ever lost sight of your North Star, how did you reconnect/realign with it?